Diarmuid Ua Duibhne (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
oathshackledbird) wrote2014-01-01 08:30 pm
oathshackledbird) wrote2014-01-01 08:30 pm
Ruby City Mailbox/Inbox
You have found the Mailbox/Inbox of Diarmuid Ua Duibhne, owner and teacher of the training school, Spiral. If you have business with him or the school, please feel free to leave a message and he will get back to you as soon as possible. Considering his abilities, that might be quicker than you think...
[Text] to [Action]
[ There's a tight knot in her heart when his voice drums in her ears, eyes shut extra tight for a brief moment when that single touch registers, before she opens them - damp and red, like her cheeks, like the lipstick she once wore now faded messily after all of this. ]
I made a great mistake. [ One of many, she'd like to add - but that's far too self-pitying for her. Her eyes dart towards him and she almost wants to laugh, to crack a joke at her own expense but that has never been in her nature and in the end she just looks, truly, genuinely sad. ] I'm so sorry– I should have never bothered you with any of this but I don't know what to do.
mo réalta = my star
Well, there won't be anything left of them in the end. He's seen it happen; he's come too close to having it happen to himself; he's not going to let it happen to anyone else.
Especially not Lisa Lisa.
Diarmuid raises a hand a gently lets his fingers brush the rest of the dampness from her tears away.]
You are human, mo réalta. All of us make mistakes no matter how hard we try. It hurts both us and those who we would never want to hurt, but the first thing we have to do to fix that is to admit we need help.
[His fingertips drift to the corner of her mouth and he can't help but think he much prefers to see her smiling than looking so sad.]
You need to get it all out. The pain, the anger, the sorrow. Clear it out of your heart so that you can clear your head. Only once that is done, can we begin to work out the best way to tell your son what he needs to know and to apologize to Caesar.
presses hands to face oh my gooood
[ She was not proud of her errors - and she should feel guilty for feeling comforted just then. But Lisa Lisa was no martyr, no sacrificial lamb and like he had so clearly put it, was only human. She ached. And so she let him, let him do as he chose so as long as she didn't feel the pain of the same sort of judgement Caesar had so actively poured towards her. ]
I brought up his father. [ Tears welled up at the corners of her eyes. How foolish of her - how suddenly small she felt compared to this man of legend despite her best attempts to remain composed. ] Caesar's father. He was a good man, but they have... A long history. I didn't mean to.
[ She wanted him to understand. ]
He thinks I abandoned my family. I would never. I am not like my father... I- I think.
[ That's what hurt the most; she was always so sure of herself despite her past mistakes. Until Caesar pointed a finger at her. ]
Perhaps... Perhaps he's right.
*breaks out the tissues*
[Diarmuid's fingers drift from the corner of her mouth back up toward her eyes so he can wipe away the tears that are forming there again.]
Warriors are never good at dealing with strong emotions, mo réalta. Especially those of us who carry the burdens of the past on our shoulders. We have to have control and when that control slips beyond a certain point, we have no choice but to lash out at whatever is there in a desperate bid to regain control of what is going on. I cannot say if that is exactly what is going on in Caesar's right now, but I know it has happened to me in the past.
[He stands then giving her a gentle nudge so that she will hopefully move and allow him to sit next to her on the couch. As he rises, he gathers up the soft blanket and bottle of wine he brought with him from the school.]
I want you to listen to me closely. No matter who your mother or father were in the past, you are yourself. You are not either of them, just as I am not my...sire.
[Diarmuid's eyes darken for a moment and there is obviously a story there, but it is not one he will say anything more about unless she asks. This is about her right now, not him.]
You forge your own destiny. You form your own self. Take your worries and doubts and make sure they never become more than that. They are warnings and guides to make sure you never become what you do not want to be, but that is all they are. They cannot become more unless you allow them to be more. It is not his words that give those worries and doubts power. It is you and you alone.
this is such a long tag i'm so sorry oh my goddddd drags hands down face
[ Part of her wonders if it would be easier if she just felt bitter. If Caesar's words had just struck that one chord and made her angry to the point of blind, self-serving reason, if she'd just found him to be so wrong and undeserving in his accusations that instead of being this mess she was flat-out ignoring him, confronting him directly or running his mouth through the dirt. But that's not her. ]
[ She's a warrior; he's right about that. She was raised to be one: a relentless (vampire) killing machine pushed to learn how to defeat a vampire in three strikes before she knew what womanhood was all about. Negative feelings were always pushed under cool indifference. But. And he knows - she is also a mother. Was. Wanted to be and maybe that's why she's been constantly messing up since she set foot here: trying to be there for people who clearly never needed her to get to where they are, not even her own son so of course she'd cling to the closest thing, raising a kid that no one wants to see grow up. And it's such a mess, all of it. It hits her harder than she's allowing herself to say, but here he is, this man of myth and legend taking his time to comfort her when she, herself, doesn't know where to start. ]
I'm sorry.
[ Apologies where apologies are due. She doesn't chastise anyone for this idea of cold ruthlessness they think she'll act upon, but she was still ingrained with good values by sheer virtue of closeness to the Joestars. To Speedwagon - in many ways, more of a father than Straits, ever the instructor. ]
[ She does listen to him. Her eyes are downcast but she still moves to allow him to sit beside her, ultimately leaning against him despite herself. Her cheek rests against his shoulder, her hands now pressed together to conceal the lower half of her face as she slowly, steadily tries to regain her breathing; a beat. Two. The sound of the wind whistling in the forest. Streams on their continuous course. Her heart beats and the air goes in, out, in out in a steady rhythm. No more tears - no more tears today. Not for now. Her face is red, eyes and lips swollen from tears, from nervous bites, but Diarmuid can be her pillar for now and she can lean into him and she can breathe. ]
I... Never thought any of this would happen. [ Her voice is still shaky, but she's trying. She's doing her damned best if that'll get her anywhere. His words are heavy with wisdom and she can be a sponge and take it all in but it's all up to her. He's made it very clear. ] I never thought... I never thought of being a mother until it all unfurled, you know. I never even thought I'd marry. I made silly promises as a child but that was it; my father– he wanted me to master Hamon, to follow in his footsteps. And he taught me everything he knew, but not everything I know.
[ Astonishing, never-aging, a beauty. Had she made him jealous? He'd pushed her to her limit time and again. ]
I was so happy to have Joseph that I let my guard down. When his father was killed, I- I acted on impulse. What else was I supposed to do? I'd never known love that strong and suddenly one part of it was ripped apart before my very own eyes. I wasn't thinking; I was seeing red and I made a mistake. I lost Joseph because of that.
[ She still remembers it; the very last kiss she gave her sleeping baby boy before she was gone. ]
If I had stayed behind, I would have been killed. Mama, Speedwagon - not even father would allow it. I was forced into hiding. The mysterious hamon master of Air Supplena in Italy... My students would probably laugh if they knew she was an internationally wanted criminal.
[ She forged an entire identity around her grief. If she had nothing more to live for as Elizabeth, if her own son was to think she was dead– then by all means, she was. Lisa Lisa was born from that. Was it a lie if she chose to omit her past? That's where she and Caesar seemed to disagree. ]
I became like him, you know. Twenty years of my life have been spent guarding an ancient jewel and developing my abilities further like a war general in waiting. But... I've yearned to see my family again for longer than I can tell. When I first saw Joseph after so many years, I had to wear a mask lest my face would crack right there. [ He grew up so beautifully. She inhales sharply, slowly moving her hands from her face. Her nose still stings, but it feels as if the tears have subsided for the most part. ] I wanted to tell him everything, but I couldn't. His life was on the line. If I... If I told him then– I'm afraid he'd forget all about his training. That he'd let the poison resting in his body to seep through and kill him.
... I was ready to die for him. No parent who willingly abandoned their children would. I- I don't think Caesar understands that. He's... Understandably angry. But I know I won't be able to get through to him for a while.
Trades one long tag for another!
Don't say you are sorry. You've done nothing wrong.
[Perhaps better than others, Diarmuid can understand the battle she is fighting right now. From the age of six, he trained to be a knight. It was his whole life and what he focused on to the exclusion of all else. He trained. He honed his skills. He reached for perfection and then kept reaching even farther. There were things he thought he would never have. Things he would never be and then...then Grainne happened. Things between them were complex and far from the perfectly happy couple the legends would have people believe they were, but the one thing that was always simple was how much he loved their children. A man who never saw himself marrying, who saw himself living and dying in service of a lord who he was sworn to before he could even speak, found a new life and love in those small smiling faces every time he saw them.
Knight. Father. Two roles that each demanded his full attention. It is the same for her. Mother. Hamon teacher. Two roles that each demanded her full attention. Balancing them successfully is a never ending battle, not that they ever were suppose to have to balance them. One role was the role they trained all their lives to fill.
The other the joyful role that found them.
When Lisa Lisa leans against him, Diarmuid takes the opportunity to wrap the blanket around their shoulders. His arm remains around her shoulders to give her even more support, while the blanket shrouds her--them--to give her a soft, warm, safe place to sort through the things that are currently tearing her apart.]
You only lose something when you give up on it. That is not what you did. You embraced the true meaning of the role of a mother and sacrificed everything to keep your son alive and safe. Alive and safe.
[For a moment, he pauses, leaning his head to the side so it rests next to hers.]
Actually, you didn't sacrifice everything. You kept the most important things--your life and your love for him. Would he be better off if you had allowed yourself to be killed then? Of course not. Even if your family had come up with some kind of lie to cover for it, the truth would have come out someday. Your family's secrets have secrets, but the light always finds those secrets when the time is right for them to be found. Such is the Fate of those who destiny has marked. I may not know Joseph, but I have met several of your family by now and I feel pretty confident in thinking he would have blamed himself for your death had you died because you stayed with him.
Would that have been a better fate than the one he faced without you?
[When she finally lets her hands drop from her face, he reaches out with his free hand to take them and give them a squeeze.]
I think we both know the answer to that question, and both as a father and a teacher I am going to give you the answer to another question. When you didn't tell him during his training, you were right. Too often I have seen emotions like those telling him the truth would have caused him, lead a man to his death. Fighting requires focus and control of your emotions. Even those who draw strength from their emotions need that focus and that control in some form, but some emotions are just too strong to control or draw power from. I suspect Caesar would disagree with me, but if my guess is not too far off, that is because he is standing on the opposite side of a two-way street from you. He was left behind by someone who sacrificed their all to keep him safe. His pain is as intense and heart-wrenching as yours, but he is not in the right frame of might right now to realize that you both are suffering. His own pain blinds him. You are right. It will take time, a long time, for him to get to the place where he is ready to hear what you tried to tell him. You cannot force him to understand. It is an understanding he has to find in time.
For now, all you can do is find understanding within yourself. Once you do that, you will finally know the right way to tell Joseph the truth.
I'm sorry for taking forever ;w;
[ She feels her shoulders hunch, curling further into her small metaphorical coccoon when he speaks. Diarmuid radiates warmth, and he speaks wise words. And it's strange - almost nostalgic to simply be the one to listen to unexpected advice. ]
You're too kind for your own good. [ She isn't chastising him - not at all. Her tone of voice sounds almost breathless for an instant but she allows herself a soft sigh, leaning further against him despite herself. ] But I cannot - will not - argue these points with you because - I- I know. I know it to be true despite how I wish it wasn't.
[ She pauses for just a moment, hitching in a deep breath. ]
I was never one to take the easy route but I also never expected to be in this situation. I know how I acted must seem wrong to some - to Caesar especially - and I... I don't know. But I do know that I want to understand him too. When he's ready. [ If he ever is. But would he truly hate her forever? ] And I know all of this will take time and the wounds are all too fresh. I just wish... Truly, I just wish things would not be so hurtful for everyone involved.
It's okay! *hugs*
Interestingly enough, you are not the first person to tell me that.
[Diarmuid laughs softly before becoming more serious again.]
There are so many hard truths we wish were not true. It's why taking advice is never easy. Were we willing to accept what we know is true but do not like easily, I would not have to say what I am saying. If it helps any, I am terrible at taking advice myself no matter how easy it is for me to speak it.
[There is a moment of silence as Diarmuid shifts the arm he has around his shoulders so he can gently run his fingers through her hair.]
I too wish there could be less pain involved. Your family has already been through so much, but pain is strange sometimes. As much as it hurts, in the end, those hurt usually come out of it stronger. I know I don't know Caesar that well, but he doesn't seem to be the type to leave things undone. When he is ready, I have a feeling he will come to you to find out more. You have been through a lot together and no matter how angry one gets, it is not easy just to walk away from that. Maybe he will yell when he comes to talk to you. Maybe he will curse, and maybe it will hurt more, but that time will give you your chance to find understanding. If we are lucky, he will find that understanding for himself as well.