oathshackledbird | Eachdraidh Locket Mail/Physical Mailbox

No, that is part of the reason I was so angry. To my understanding, we were just playing to pass time. There was no wager and even if there had been, I would never have agreed to have another person be the wager.

[Especially not Grainne.]

I pulled my weapon to threaten him so that he would back off, but to my great surprise, Grainne got to her feet and went to his side. On top of that, she pulled her knife and stabbed me in the thigh to keep me from attacking. Her excuse? At least this man was paying attention to her and had touched her more than I had.

I acted rashly and in anger then. I killed the man and then left her in the cave to think of what she had done. It didn't matter to me that it was raining or that I still had a knife in my thigh. I ignored it and tried to calm myself. I wanted to understand why she acted like that, but I really could not. I know she gave up everything to run off with me and free herself from my lord, but did she not understand what I had been forced to do myself? Did she not understand me?

[Saber was silent for a long moment. There were parts of that tale, parts of Grainne's reaction, that brought another woman to mind. One that might have similar reactions or excuses... one that Saber also would not understand any better than Diarmuid.]

...women are mysterious creatures. I do not understand Grainne's choices any better than you.

Love can make a person do extreme things and cursed love is no different. However, thinking back on that night and what came after, I believe that the reason she was acting so extremely was not because she wanted to go with that man, but because she realized she was in love with me beyond the curse and needed a way to show it to me.

[Women have used jealousy as a weapon forever. This time, though, the plan did not go as was expected. That is...if Diarmuid is right at all. He might be completely off...]

Even once I was calmed down, I remained outside of the cave and I am sure that after a while she assumed that I really had abandoned her. Grainne was surprised when she stepped outside of the cave, and saw I was not that far away. She approached me and started speaking of all she had given up and how true her love for me was. It was her way of asking for forgiveness, I suppose, but deep down part of me was still angry and I answered her words with cutting ones of my own. What had her love brought me? I lost everything as well. All her beauty could not make Fionn forgive me. All her words could not return the Fianna--my family--to me. What was her love worth to me who had lost everything because of it?

She fell silent then and I hoped that it meant she was thinking about the one thing that I really needed her to understand: I had given up just as much as she had for this love. She was not the only victim in all of this. If she could realize that, I had hope that eventually, she could understand me and what exactly she was asking me to do when she asked me to return her love.

Yet more sacrifice...

[Saber sighed.]

Would it have been different had she been wed to your lord?

[He laughs a little sadly.]

Well, Fionn probably wouldn't have set me up to be killed then.

[Not that Diarmuid blames him. Even great men like Fionn are still men and Diarmuid hurt him a great deal. It was probably naive of Diarmuid to think that he could ever be forgiven for such a thing.]

Grainne would have been miserable, though. He saw her as nothing more than a possession and she is so much more than that. She is strong, smart, beautiful, and willful. All of that would have been snuffed out had she married my lord.

[Would he trade letting Grainne be free for the ability to keep his honor and loyalty in tact then? Their legend makes his answer to that question clear. Just like his wish makes it clear how much he values having another chance to keep his honor and loyalty intact.]

You misunderstand, Diarmuid. Would her being wed have affected your choice and the sacrifices you were willing to make?

I lost my wife to one of my knights, though I never saw her as a possession. I had always been fond of my wife. [But she had never loved Guinevere. Not like Lancelot had.]

Oh! I did...

[He bows his his slightly, expression becoming embarrassed.]

I should have realized considering your legend. Forgive me.

[For a few moments, Diarmuid is quiet as he considers the question. It is not an easy one for him to answer.]

Grainne may not like my choice, but I think that things would have been different if she and my lord had wed before she and I met and she was struck by my curse. I may have still taken her away because doing so did more than free her from my lord, it also make sure that my lord and countless others would wake from the spell she had cast on them, but would I have given into her? I don't think so. As things went, I felt we came to an understanding and she grew that night. She became a person capable of understanding me and that is what made the difference to me. However, had she been his wife and still tempted me despite that...

[He shakes his head.]

I don't think I we would have ever come to the point that I would have thought that.

Why? Did you not love her enough to throw it all away? [Like Lancelot.]

Saber, I had just met her. When we first ran away, I hardly even knew her name. How could I claim to love her then? I respected her and her choices, but true love takes much longer to grow.

[Diarmuid runs a hand through his hair as he tries to think of a good way to explain his feelings.]

That is why that night was so important. I fell in love with her then. We were no longer strangers, but partners, and yes, at that point I was willing to give up everything for her. I did give up everything for her, and I would do so now if the opportunity came up. I am doing so, in fact. I just this night dropped everything I was doing at Caer Glaem and teleported out to save her from a pack of those dogs.

[Saber's gaze left the locket again as she focused her eyes on the skyline again.]

It must be nice... To have her here where you can have a life with her again.

It is...difficult.

[Diarmuid's expression becomes conflicted.]

I am very glad to have her back with me. That you are right about. I never thought I would see her again and I wasn't able to tell her goodbye before. However, she is unhappy here. She misses our children and our home. It is also difficult because she is from a time before I died. Explaining what I am to her and how I became what I am...well, saying she didn't take it well would be an understatement.

I am sorry to hear that. But she still loves you regardless of that. [That was how love worked, right?]

...if my wife were to be brought here, I would absolve our marriage and let her honorably be with the man she loved.

Yes and I her. We will find a way to work through this just as we worked through things before.

[Considering all they have been through together, he really believes it will take more than this place to tear them apart.

His expression grows sad as Saber continues.]

And what about you then? If she goes to the one she loves and is happy, will you at least try to find a little happiness for yourself as we discussed during Samhain?

(OOC: I just realized that I messed up a few details in Diarmuid's story about Grainne. Too many versions of the tale to keep straight sometimes! If it ever comes up between Saber and Grainne and Grainne has a different take, that would be why!)

Perhaps.

It is difficult for me to allow myself things I used to always deny myself. I also find that my courtly manner and gestures are lost on those from modern times.

More often than not, I believe I will only end up admiring from afar. That perhaps my people were correct...

[ooc: gotcha!]

[Diarmuid nods in understanding. He feels the same sometimes. Even in a court that is suppose to thrive on such gestures, there are so many who find his manner odd or old-fashioned.]

Denying ourselves things is a common trait among kings and knights. Perhaps not a healthy one, but one we share nonetheless.

[One he is definitely guilty of lately, which is why he is not going to say anymore about it.]

That might be what your people believed, but deep down, are you really sure you believe the same? That things can never change?

(OOC: Thanks! Sorry about that. Goes to hide in the dunce's corner.)

It is hard to argue with their words when I find myself having trouble understanding the others on a more personal level.

[Diarmuid nods to acknowledge her words, but doesn't answer right away because he is unsure how to answer. He has never really had a problem connecting with people. In fact, he connects to them far too well sometimes. There is no way he can understand just how lonely it must feel to feel like you are always on the outside looking in.]

I don't suppose you know anyone else who has an issue similar to the one you have?

No. And I would not speak with them about this if I knew. It is just something I must learn to overcome.

[Diarmuid shakes his head and gives her a sad look.]

You realize that sometimes the best way to learn is to ask others for advice? There is no shame in that. Not all things can be learned alone.

I do, but I still have my pride, Diarmuid.

[Diarmuid doesn't think asking for help has any affect on one's pride, but he knows not everyone feels that way. Perhaps there is another way...]

If I find someone who I think might be in a similar situation, may I ask them for advice? Obviously, I will not mention your name...

[But if she will not ask, perhaps he will be able to find some way to help. It is the least he can do.]

[Diarmuid wasn't a king, and for a king to ask for help on relating to others was embarrassing.]

...you may.

Thank you. I will do my best to see what I can find.

[Will he be any help? Diarmuid doesn't know, but he needs to try.]

Do not trouble yourself much.

It is no trouble. I will let you know if I find anything out.

[Really, Saber. You should know him better than that by now...]

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